Today's Liberal News

Aldous J Pennyfarthing

‘We killed Herman Cain’: ABC reporter’s book sheds new light on Trump’s Tulsa rally disaster

In a new excerpt from his upcoming book Betrayal: The Final Act of the Trump Show, ABC News Chief Washington Correspondent Jonathan Karl notes that Donald Trump’s Spinal Tap-esque Tulsa rally marked “the worst day of his entire campaign.” Which is weird, because for me it was easily the best. In fact, its only serious competition was the fleeting moment during the first presidential debate when Joe Biden finally told Didgeridoo Donnie to STFU. That was pretty cool, too.

Rocker Van Morrison is the latest celebrity to land in hot water over irresponsible COVID-19 claims

It can be tough to separate the art from the artist, particularly when the artist has separated his own brain stem from his cerebral cortex. Such is the case with Irish rock legend Van Morrison, who’s embraced the COVID-19 death cult with the kind of vigor Donald Trump might embrace a big slab of rotisserie gyro meat in the bathroom stall of a Coney Island Greek restaurant at 3 AM on a random Tuesday.

Yes, Aaron Rodgers, I’m canceling you

I grew up in northeast Wisconsin, about 40 miles outside of Green Bay. So, naturally, I’m a Packers fan.

You might say Packers fandom is part of my DNA. So, in a way, anti-vaxxers are right. The vaccine—or at least one gormless Green Bay goober’s decision to reject it—has changed my DNA, and not in a cool X-Men way or anything.

Louie Gohmert hints that climate action would force us all to brush our teeth with bark

How the hell did Republican Louie Gohmert of Texas ever become a member of the House of Representatives? Did he collect the most Froot Loops box tops in his district? Did our reptilian alien overlords take a sudden liking to him halfway through eating his brain? Did he run against a seagull crapping in a bag of Ruffles? 

I really want to know, because something here just isn’t right.

Frightened white woman tries to explain what’s scary about school lessons on racism, fails badly

No matter how worthless a white person’s opinion is, the media will eventually seek it out. On a recent episode of CBS News Originals’ Reverb series, the network sent a reporter to find out what the fuck is up with critical race theory.

Because we white folk are apparently the snowflakiest hominids in the history of bipedalism, the media feel compelled to take our pulse from time to time (i.e., always).

Sinema plays silly games with Mitt Romney as world impatiently awaits her answer on Biden agenda

I half expected Sen. Kyrsten Sinema to show up on the Senate floor today dressed as Ramses II, arriving on a pink, three-legged Shetland pony before airily plucking imaginary Skittles from Rand Paul’s leonine mane of laissez-faire locks. Turns out I should have bet the over.

Watching Sinema “legislate” is a little like watching H.R. PufnStuf on acid, only orders of magnitude more maddening. She and Sen.

Yale professor and expert on authoritarianism says 2024 Trump coup is ‘underway’

If U.S. democracy falls this century, it will likely be at the hands of a stubby-fingered sack of extra-piquant donkey farts who likely never bothered to read the Constitution he swore to uphold—and certainly didn’t understand it if he did bother. In other words, we’re at the stage in the Siegfried & Roy show where the tiger starts picturing Roy as a semi-ambulant canned ham.

‘Makes me want to throw up’: Investor bails after learning funds would go to Trump social network

The latest news from Bizarro World is that Donald Trump is finally starting his own social media company—and it’s named TRUTH Social. Because while irony is long dead, that doesn’t mean Trump can’t beat it in the head with a shovel a few more times just to watch its corpse jiggle. 

Sure, some people are still eager to invest their money with Donald Trump. And some kids still stick their tongues to flagpoles every winter.

Report finds Trump used federal COVID-19 food program for political gain, ran it incompetently

Most people would—quite rightly—assume that “fresh produce” and “Donald Trump” have no business being in the same sentence unless there’s some secret Russian kompromat Christopher Steele left out of his dossier. I’d like to say Trump and produce are like oil and water, but they’re more like matter and antimatter. I shudder to think what would happen to his body if he ever came within 100 yards of a kale leaf.

GOP congressman seems unaware of how unemployment insurance works, so Ocasio-Cortez helps him out

Tim Burchett is an actual U.S. representative from the state of Tennessee, and he apparently has no idea how unemployment insurance (UI) works. As in, we don’t (very rarely, anyway) pay people who quit their jobs. The people who are quitting are frequently applying early for Social Security and/or living off whatever savings they managed to claw back from the hulking dragon hoard of our oh-so-magnanimous cabal of hardly working plutocrats.

Lindsey Graham issues ludicrous alert about Brazilian ‘terrorists’ with ‘Gucci bags’ flooding border

What? Forty thousand Brazilian fashionistas are keen to move to Connecticut, and Republicans want to stop them? Why? That’s the best news I’ve heard in months! Where, exactly, are they crossing? I’d like to meet them. Maybe they can help me get into some of the A-list clubs I’d normally have no chance of setting foot in because I smell like Kirkland jeans and Prell and have a head the size of an Igloo cooler.

Hack in charge of partisan Wisconsin election review admits he doesn’t know how elections work

When Donald Trump inevitably chokes to death while trying to swallow an entire Costco rotisserie chicken, you can pretty much guarantee he’ll still be clinging to his nonsensical claims about the 2020 election. His belief that he was robbed last November is simply impervious to facts. Meanwhile, any meager morsel of evidence that supports his febrile stolen-election fantasies, no matter how bonkers, immediately gets stovepiped into his creaky, ramshackle husk of a brain.

Unvaccinated insurrectionist asks for probation instead of jail time—for some wild reasons

These are seriously the whiniest, snow-flakiest insurrectionists ever. In 1776, as he faced the gallows, American patriot Nathan Hale famously said, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.” He didn’t say, “Oh, this ankle bracelet is too tight, and it embarrasses me during Friday night ale-quaffings at the publick house.” Then again, reality shows and Hot Pockets had yet to be invented, so he obviously had a lot less to live for.

Texas senator tries to pin debt debacle on Democrats, gets Lone Star-sized helping of humble pie

The best thing you can say about  John Cornyn is that he’s the least—or rather less—revolting U.S. senator from Texas. That’s not saying much, of course. After all, even if the senior senator from the Lone Star State were an intestinal fluke who emerged fortnightly to sing Captain & Tennille B-sides during official state dinners, he still wouldn’t be as revolting as Ted “Probably Not the Zodiac Killer” Cruz.

Koch-funded group provides pointers for harassing your local school board

There’s a meme commonly shared on social media that goes something like this: “If you drank from a garden hose, stayed outside till dark, rode in the back of a pickup truck, ate dirt, licked random amphibians, taunted apex predators, and slapped yourself repeatedly in the face just to feel something in the midst of your cosseted, banal, utterly meaningless existence, then SHARE.” I may be paraphrasing, but the meaning is plain enough.

Current and former Blue Origin employees say it’s a hellish workplace—like another Bezos company

So remember when multibillionaire e-tailer Jeff Bezos got shot into space and acted like it was something brand new that a monkey hadn’t done seven decades ago? And how he thanked his long-beleaguered Amazon employees for paying for his ride, and did it all while wearing a cowboy hat that made him look like a 6-year-old posing for sepia-toned GlamourShots at a half-occupied mall outside of Boise, Idaho?

Yeah, you remember.

The latest conservative hot take: Greta Thunberg is like Hitler

Dave Rubin is a political commentator and talk show host who appears on YouTube and BlazeTV, a conservative network that also hosts famed Algonquin Diaper-Changing Station members Glenn Beck, Mark Levin, and, erm, one of those Duck Dynasty dudes. You know, the one with the shitty beard. No, not the shitty Rip Van Winkle beard. The other one. The one that looks like a rent-by-the-hour motel for boisterously horny sea otters. You know, that  guy.

Texas lawmaker introduces uber-unconstitutional resolution to make the Bible the official state book

While Texas having an official state book may seem a little like Wisconsin naming an official nonalcoholic beer and vegan goat cheese, at least the state is trying to encourage reading. Officials should probably ease into it, though. Maybe start with an official “back of a Cocoa Pebbles box” or an official misspelled, ungrammatical neck tattoo?

That’s not to say everyone in Texas is less than well-read, of course.

Pillow Man claims Alabama election was hacked, is harshly rebuked by GOP secretary of state

The hirsute-lipped brain effluent known as Mike Lindell is at it again. And by “it,” I mean giving his brutally overworked absinthe fairies another go at convincing the world—through this bellowing bringer of absurdities and unduly upbeat pillow ads—that Donald Trump really and for true won the 2020 presidential election.

To prove his thesis, Lindell has crawled down hundreds of rabbit holes bristling with brain-damaged rabbits.