Aldous J Pennyfarthing

So far New York Rep.-elect George Santos, who may be a bona fide member of the House of Representatives by the time you read this, has made a series of outlandish claims: He was the original Gerber baby. He invented hummus. He spent several weeks in Valdez, Alaska, vigorously scrubbing otters—but only in the months prior to the oil spill. He resorbed five identical twins in the womb, which is why he has so many contradictory life stories.

Because Donald Trump has a finite number of dead ex-wives and just a handful of golf courses on which to bury them, he has to continually come up with creative ways to lower his tax burden. He almost certainly outsources this thankless task to his team of accountants, because fully 80% of his mental energy is devoted to guessing which Pokémon will show up in today’s Happy Meal.

Hmm, what could possibly make the mortal embarrassment surrounding Donald Trump’s recent MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT even worse? Oh, Satan, please send him more tribulation! Exactly how many albino goats does one have to sacrifice to get you to do one’s bidding? Because the goat viscera is really piling up in the garage, and you can’t put it in the city compost for some reason. Just saying.

Conservatives have suddenly made ex-Marine Paul Whelan’s release a cause célèbre—mainly because a Democratic president just freed a Black lesbian woman in a one-for-one prisoner swap, and the optics on the story are too promising for this bevy of bigots to pass up.

Conservatives have suddenly made ex-Marine Paul Whelan’s release a cause célèbre—mainly because a Democratic president just freed a Black lesbian woman in a one-for-one prisoner swap, and the optics on the story are too promising for this bevy of bigots to pass up.

There’s a downside to cribbing your political strategy from Donald Trump—namely, Donald Trump doesn’t know what he’s talking about on any subject, ever. (Unless, of course, you want to know which 25 McDonald’s Dollar Menu items pair best with cutting off your gravely ill infant nephew’s health insurance.) 

Back in 2020, when Donald Trump was plotting to steal the presidential election, he sought to undermine faith in mail-in ballots.

Donald Trump has hired more coffee boys than Starbucks over the years, and they all get the same treatment after he’s through sucking the marrow out of their sad, brittle, untermensch bones: He claims he doesn’t know them, and if he happens to have been photographed with them 90 times over the course of 30 years, he’s quick to point out that he’s regularly seen with lots of sketchy people who are mysteriously drawn to his grand, elysian fi

Apple CEO Tim Apple—that’s what Donald Trump calls him, and Donald Failing Real Estate Company is always right—does pretty well for himself. The chief executive formerly known as Tim Cook made almost $99 million last year, and he’s the top decision-maker at the most valuable company on the planet.

The walls are closing in on Donald Trump, and for once it’s not just because he’s expanding. Republicans stuck with him through the Access Hollywood tape, Charlottesville, family separation, the Big Lie, the insurrection, two impeachments, interminable outrages, and tens of thousands of corrosive lies. But if there’s one thing Republicans won’t abide, it’s losing a chance at retaking the Senate and giving more tax breaks to billionaires.

My biennial election season freakout has begun! If scientists could find a way to harness my nervous energy in the days leading up to elections, they’d be able to power a small town for a year—or Rudy Giuliani’s liver for about 20 minutes. (Allegedly!)

But this year, along with my usual hefty slice of wry dread, I’m offering up something a little different: a message of hope.

Instead of obsessively refreshing 538.

These days, Republicans seem to think they can govern via talking points, but sometimes their well-rehearsed excuses for failing to pass urgently needed legislation violently collide with reality.

Such was the case on Thursday when Missouri Gov. Mike Parson visited St. Louis police headquarters to throw up his hands and assure his gormless gaggle of gun fetishists (i.e.

Ever since the House Jan. 6 committee voted unanimously to subpoena the main man behind the mayhem, Donald J. Trump, on Oct. 13, the media has been playing an endless game of “will he or won’t he” appear.

After all, handing Donald Trump a subpoena, as the committee did on Friday, is like giving a dude on a three-day meth bender a Russian roulette revolver—except with six bullets in the cylinder instead of one.

Republicans have always been a little on the fringes when it comes to things like logic and consensus reality and not burning down their own garden shed because their Virgin Mary bobblehead told them Hugo Chávez is smoking weed in there, but they’ve really gone off the deep end lately.

“Racists losing their shirts pursuing shockingly racist ‘art’ projects” is one of the more promising new comedy subgenres, landing somewhere between “bloodthirsty autocrats trying to annex territories they don’t control” and “Donald Trump walking onto airplanes.

Some day, when my head’s removed from cryogenic storage after science discovers a cure for gouging out your own eyes with an oyster fork at the sight of Donald Trump, I’ll tell my grand-clones about that time thousands of people died painful, undignified deaths from watching television.

“But Aldous Prime,” they’ll say.

Republicans love their phony bugaboos. Whether it’s graduate-level courses being taught in kindergarten, migrant caravans shoving old women out of the way at the A&P to score the last marble rye, or foreign drug cartels handing out fentanyl to trick-or-treaters for Squad-knows-what reason, the GOP is great at distracting you from the hell demons feasting on your viscera all day, every day, like so much Laffy Taffy.

Mere days ago, when Dr. Mehmet Oz’s biggest political liability was that he was an out-of-touch carpetbagger who likes to push fake remedies (e.g., Donald Trump) on lonely, desperate people, it looked like the only office he might actually have a shot at winning was dog catcher.

Yeah, about that. If Derp Oz himself was thinking along those lines, he can fuggetaboutit.

In 2019, reports emerged that the White House had requested the USS John McCain stay out of sight while Donald Trump regaled the troops in Japan with a speech in which he weirdly wished a “happy Memorial Day” to Japanese service members. After the story blew up, Trump did his best to distance himself from the controversy, eventually calling it “an exaggeration, or even Fake News.” 

Guess what? He was lying.

A new pro-Trump dating app that’s scheduled to launch this month is not exactly grabbing women by the … um … heartstrings. Nor have the folks behind the app assembled even one binder full of women. It’s almost as if no one’s attracted to men who both idolize serial sexual assaulters and want to force women to give birth to their rapists’ babies.

Our Illustrious Overlord Dark Brandon of the House of Biden, protector of the 50 states, breaker of chains, father of dragons, rider of bikes, double-fister of ice cream, is on a roll lately. And, much like every Italian salad Donald Trump has been served since he started running for president, he’s full of piss and vinegar. (I’m joking, of course. Trump doesn’t eat salads.

We can be reasonably certain that Donald Trump was selling highly classified nuclear secrets to our enemies—because they’re worth a lot of money and Trump has the morals of a ShopRite head cheese.

You know who won an Emmy Saturday night? The former president who didn’t steal dozens of highly classified documents from the government and stash them in his desk with naught but the enervating effluvium of half-masticated McRibs to ward off enemies of the state.

Know who didn’t win an Emmy? The ex-presidential cosplayer who wanted to win one more than any individual in the history of soul-moldering reality shows.

Hey, remember 2020? It kind of sucked, if I recall correctly. Except for that bit at the end, of course. So what would you think of two dudes who want to live in 2020 permanently? They’d have to be bonkers, right?

Meet longtime presidential cosplayer Donald Trump and the ululating bratwurst patty formerly known as Mike Lindell.

In a Tuesday interview with Fox News’ Dana Perino, Mehmet Oz bizarrely claimed that he’d win his election for U.S. Senate if it were held today—even though the polling aggregator RealClearPolitics currently shows him down by more than 7 points to Pennsylvania Lt. Gov Fetterman.

Imagine waking up in bed next to Donald Trump. I don’t mean literally, of course. There’d be no recovering from that. Short of a brain transplant, anyway. And those don’t exist. Unless you’re Ron Johnson installing a fresh olive loaf once a fortnight, but that goes without saying.

So if you or I had worked for the government and, upon leaving, squirreled away a few top secret nuclear documents in a Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox that we kept under a basement foosball table, we’d be sitting in brightly lit rooms asking if we could please get some unscented udder cream for our serially brutalized nipples. It’s unlikely we’d be able to trot out numerous contradictory excuses for our crimes and have roughly a third of the nation believe them.

So I was either on vacation this past week or riding Quetzalcoatl’s incandescent ayahuasca flatus toward the infinitely dense singularity at the center of the galaxy—I forget which.

No one expects innovation or forward-thinking from Republicans, but it’s astonishing just how mired in the past they are these days. It’s no wonder Republicans could never pass their own health care bill after howling about the Affordable Care Act for 80-plus full moons. They have no ideas and no real policy prescriptions.

We need a thorough, deep dive into the four-year-old allegations against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh if we’re ever to get to the bottom of what “boof” means. It would also be nice to know if the guy who voted to wrest reproductive rights away from every American with a womb is a concupiscent churl and serial sexual assaulter. But first things first.

Based on Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s past behavior (her infamous thumbs-down curtsy in the weary faces of America’s working poor immediately comes to mind), I’ve never been sold on the notion that she’ll allow any substantive portion of President Joe Biden’s progressive Build Back Better agenda to pass.

Well, we’re about to find out for sure. Since Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and climate action holdout Sen.