Today's Liberal News

Aldous J Pennyfarthing

‘Out of sight’: Rumors about Trump wanting the USS John McCain hidden for 2019 Japan visit are true

In 2019, reports emerged that the White House had requested the USS John McCain stay out of sight while Donald Trump regaled the troops in Japan with a speech in which he weirdly wished a “happy Memorial Day” to Japanese service members. After the story blew up, Trump did his best to distance himself from the controversy, eventually calling it “an exaggeration, or even Fake News.” 

Guess what? He was lying.

‘It’s all of Mitch McConnell’s staffers’: Pro-MAGA dating app somehow can’t find women users

A new pro-Trump dating app that’s scheduled to launch this month is not exactly grabbing women by the … um … heartstrings. Nor have the folks behind the app assembled even one binder full of women. It’s almost as if no one’s attracted to men who both idolize serial sexual assaulters and want to force women to give birth to their rapists’ babies.

Uncle Dark Brandon chides Republicans for touting infrastructure spending they opposed

Our Illustrious Overlord Dark Brandon of the House of Biden, protector of the 50 states, breaker of chains, father of dragons, rider of bikes, double-fister of ice cream, is on a roll lately. And, much like every Italian salad Donald Trump has been served since he started running for president, he’s full of piss and vinegar. (I’m joking, of course. Trump doesn’t eat salads.

Barack Obama just won the Emmy that forever eluded Trump. Cue his social media meltdown

You know who won an Emmy Saturday night? The former president who didn’t steal dozens of highly classified documents from the government and stash them in his desk with naught but the enervating effluvium of half-masticated McRibs to ward off enemies of the state.

Know who didn’t win an Emmy? The ex-presidential cosplayer who wanted to win one more than any individual in the history of soul-moldering reality shows.

Rudy says Trump didn’t actually steal top secret docs, he was simply ‘preserving’ them

So if you or I had worked for the government and, upon leaving, squirreled away a few top secret nuclear documents in a Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox that we kept under a basement foosball table, we’d be sitting in brightly lit rooms asking if we could please get some unscented udder cream for our serially brutalized nipples. It’s unlikely we’d be able to trot out numerous contradictory excuses for our crimes and have roughly a third of the nation believe them.

Remember when Trump ordered an investigation of Brett Kavanaugh? Surprise! It was a total sham

We need a thorough, deep dive into the four-year-old allegations against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh if we’re ever to get to the bottom of what “boof” means. It would also be nice to know if the guy who voted to wrest reproductive rights away from every American with a womb is a concupiscent churl and serial sexual assaulter. But first things first.

We may not know Sen. Sinema’s vote on the Democrats’ new climate bill until it hits the floor

Based on Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s past behavior (her infamous thumbs-down curtsy in the weary faces of America’s working poor immediately comes to mind), I’ve never been sold on the notion that she’ll allow any substantive portion of President Joe Biden’s progressive Build Back Better agenda to pass.

Well, we’re about to find out for sure. Since Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and climate action holdout Sen.

Fox News is ghosting Donald Trump, and his diapers are in a bunch about it

Years ago, before our nation devolved into a fascist Cracker Barrel that lets Texas Sen. Ted Cruz loiter in the bathrooms for unnervingly long periods of time, Fox News and Donald Trump jumped into bed together. They eventually birthed a creepy vestigial twin with no host, and it instantly latched onto our body politic like a Peruvian spider monkey mistaking Rep. Louie Gohmert’s head for a remaindered Sara Lee pound cake.

Russian media still loves Trump: ‘He was destroying the leadership of the United States’

To this day, it remains utterly gobsmacking that Donald Trump got even one vote for president of the United States, much less tens of millions. He had no relevant experience in politics or, from the looks of it, business. And as humans go, he was a pretty below-average tapeworm.

And yet, somehow, the wheel of cosmically unlikely events slid right past “Zombie Gandhi gnaws your nips off” and landed squarely on “Donald Trump is president.

Fox & Friends commit open heresy against Trump. Has Murdoch finally tired of his rabid dog?

Maybe, after all is said and done, promoting an irritable bowel with a Sriracha beer bong attachment as your party’s standard-bearer isn’t such a great idea after all. For years, Donald Trump was to Fox News what Jared was to Subway: the face of the franchise. The only difference is, Fox knew all along what an odious lump of id Trump was but decided to make him their mascot anyway.

That may all be changing.

Alan Dershowitz whines that he’s now a pariah on Martha’s Vineyard just because he enabled Trump

You defend one wannabe fascist dictator by saying his boundless lust for power means he should be able to do anything he wants, and all of a sudden progressives don’t like you anymore. It’s brutally unfair, and we shouldn’t stand for it. Every American has an inalienable right to be invited to exclusive dress-formal cotillions on Martha’s Vineyard, no matter how many absurd arguments they’ve trotted out on behalf of lawless autocrats.

Trump lawyer who lost bid to kill American democracy calls Simone Biles and Joe Biden ‘losers’

Jenna Ellis is perhaps best known for conspicuously side-eyeing Rudy Giuliani as the last remnants of his eternal soul seeped from his sphincter into the blessed ether, leaving the dusty husk of Twiddle-Knobs Nosferatu behind to imperil Western democracy. She’s almost as well known for being part of the Trump legal effort that grievously embarrassed the ex-pr*sident—and the world’s most powerful democracy—with a series of feckless court challenges.

Longtime Trump enabler Paul Ryan was ‘sobbing’ during Capitol coup

A new book about the astonishing pusillanimity of the Republican Party reveals that former House speaker and vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan “found himself sobbing” during the Jan. 6, 2021, assault on the Capitol. And that’s very sad for him—it really is. It’s also sad when dog owners leave their pooches in hot cars and kill them, which is kind of what the GOP as a whole has done with our country since Donald Trump slimed onto the scene in 2015.

I’ve booked a trip to my Trumpy ancestral homeland, and I could use your help

A month from now, if all goes as planned, I’ll be in Northeast Wisconsin celebrating my niece’s wedding. And by “celebrating” I mean refusing to do the Chicken Dance, patiently explaining to the caterer that “vegan” does not simply mean “less Velveeta,” and trying to keep pace with a horde of professional drinkers (aka Wisconsinites) who were gradually weaned off Jägermeister as babies before being moved onto solid food.

Roy Moore sued Borat’s creator for using a fake ‘pedophile detector’ on him. He just lost that suit

Sacha Baron Cohen is a brilliant prankster and comedian, but perhaps his greatest talent is making Republicans look foolish. Or, rather, more foolish. If there’s an antediluvian sentiment or three sloshing about in a MAGA mite’s rancid paella of a brain, Baron Cohen will most likely dislodge it. And the results will be both uniquely hilarious and cringeworthy (aka, “unhingeworthy”).

Tucker Carlson blames women and weed—but not guns—for mass shootings perpetrated by angry white men

The United States had more mass shootings over the holiday weekend—11, to be exact—making us the Joey Chestnut of mayhem, in that no one can even hope to challenge us. Republicans insist the reason we have so many more gun killings than any other country can’t possibly be the guns—because too many Fox News viewers enjoy doing white-knuckle drive-by hits on mule deer from their Rascal scooters.

Is Russian state TV souring on Trump? ‘We’ll have to think whether to reinstall him again’

The redoubtable, indefatigable, and gnarly rad Russian media monitor Julia Davis is back with another dispatch from the land of make-believe—otherwise known as Russian state TV. It’s a transcendently weird place where Vladimir Putin is doggedly de-Nazifying his Jewish-led neighbor and NATO somehow has reason to fear a Russian attack—even though Russia hasn’t been able to defeat its much-smaller non-NATO neighbor in four-plus months.

Florida county slaps warning label on LGBTQ kids who join phys ed classes or overnight trips

It’s no wonder Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell won’t release a Republican policy platform for the midterms. Everything they do is awful. Their platform might as well say, “Eat shit, America. You’re stuck with us now.” 

After Cronenberg-ing our country to the point where 10-year-old rape victims are now forced to travel out of state to end their pregnancies, conservatives are putting the screws to LGBTQ kids in new and creative ways.