Mere days ago, when Dr. Mehmet Oz’s biggest political liability was that he was an out-of-touch carpetbagger who likes to push fake remedies (e.g., Donald Trump) on lonely, desperate people, it looked like the only office he might actually have a shot at winning was dog catcher.
Yeah, about that. If Derp Oz himself was thinking along those lines, he can fuggetaboutit.
In 2019, reports emerged that the White House had requested the USS John McCain stay out of sight while Donald Trump regaled the troops in Japan with a speech in which he weirdly wished a “happy Memorial Day” to Japanese service members. After the story blew up, Trump did his best to distance himself from the controversy, eventually calling it “an exaggeration, or even Fake News.”
Guess what? He was lying.
A new pro-Trump dating app that’s scheduled to launch this month is not exactly grabbing women by the … um … heartstrings. Nor have the folks behind the app assembled even one binder full of women. It’s almost as if no one’s attracted to men who both idolize serial sexual assaulters and want to force women to give birth to their rapists’ babies.
Our Illustrious Overlord Dark Brandon of the House of Biden, protector of the 50 states, breaker of chains, father of dragons, rider of bikes, double-fister of ice cream, is on a roll lately. And, much like every Italian salad Donald Trump has been served since he started running for president, he’s full of piss and vinegar. (I’m joking, of course. Trump doesn’t eat salads.
We can be reasonably certain that Donald Trump was selling highly classified nuclear secrets to our enemies—because they’re worth a lot of money and Trump has the morals of a ShopRite head cheese.
You know who won an Emmy Saturday night? The former president who didn’t steal dozens of highly classified documents from the government and stash them in his desk with naught but the enervating effluvium of half-masticated McRibs to ward off enemies of the state.
Know who didn’t win an Emmy? The ex-presidential cosplayer who wanted to win one more than any individual in the history of soul-moldering reality shows.
Hey, remember 2020? It kind of sucked, if I recall correctly. Except for that bit at the end, of course. So what would you think of two dudes who want to live in 2020 permanently? They’d have to be bonkers, right?
Meet longtime presidential cosplayer Donald Trump and the ululating bratwurst patty formerly known as Mike Lindell.
In a Tuesday interview with Fox News’ Dana Perino, Mehmet Oz bizarrely claimed that he’d win his election for U.S. Senate if it were held today—even though the polling aggregator RealClearPolitics currently shows him down by more than 7 points to Pennsylvania Lt. Gov Fetterman.
Imagine waking up in bed next to Donald Trump. I don’t mean literally, of course. There’d be no recovering from that. Short of a brain transplant, anyway. And those don’t exist. Unless you’re Ron Johnson installing a fresh olive loaf once a fortnight, but that goes without saying.
So if you or I had worked for the government and, upon leaving, squirreled away a few top secret nuclear documents in a Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox that we kept under a basement foosball table, we’d be sitting in brightly lit rooms asking if we could please get some unscented udder cream for our serially brutalized nipples. It’s unlikely we’d be able to trot out numerous contradictory excuses for our crimes and have roughly a third of the nation believe them.
So I was either on vacation this past week or riding Quetzalcoatl’s incandescent ayahuasca flatus toward the infinitely dense singularity at the center of the galaxy—I forget which.
No one expects innovation or forward-thinking from Republicans, but it’s astonishing just how mired in the past they are these days. It’s no wonder Republicans could never pass their own health care bill after howling about the Affordable Care Act for 80-plus full moons. They have no ideas and no real policy prescriptions.
We need a thorough, deep dive into the four-year-old allegations against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh if we’re ever to get to the bottom of what “boof” means. It would also be nice to know if the guy who voted to wrest reproductive rights away from every American with a womb is a concupiscent churl and serial sexual assaulter. But first things first.
Based on Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s past behavior (her infamous thumbs-down curtsy in the weary faces of America’s working poor immediately comes to mind), I’ve never been sold on the notion that she’ll allow any substantive portion of President Joe Biden’s progressive Build Back Better agenda to pass.
Well, we’re about to find out for sure. Since Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and climate action holdout Sen.
Years ago, before our nation devolved into a fascist Cracker Barrel that lets Texas Sen. Ted Cruz loiter in the bathrooms for unnervingly long periods of time, Fox News and Donald Trump jumped into bed together. They eventually birthed a creepy vestigial twin with no host, and it instantly latched onto our body politic like a Peruvian spider monkey mistaking Rep. Louie Gohmert’s head for a remaindered Sara Lee pound cake.
To this day, it remains utterly gobsmacking that Donald Trump got even one vote for president of the United States, much less tens of millions. He had no relevant experience in politics or, from the looks of it, business. And as humans go, he was a pretty below-average tapeworm.
And yet, somehow, the wheel of cosmically unlikely events slid right past “Zombie Gandhi gnaws your nips off” and landed squarely on “Donald Trump is president.
Voters didn’t pay all that much attention when Donald Trump’s Hitler goof rallies plumbed ever-lower depths of hate and bigotry—or when it was reported that he literally kept a book of Hitler speeches in his bedside cabinet, for that matter.
Maybe, after all is said and done, promoting an irritable bowel with a Sriracha beer bong attachment as your party’s standard-bearer isn’t such a great idea after all. For years, Donald Trump was to Fox News what Jared was to Subway: the face of the franchise. The only difference is, Fox knew all along what an odious lump of id Trump was but decided to make him their mascot anyway.
That may all be changing.
If there’s any advantage to being married to Donald Trump, it would have to be developing the ability to at least occasionally tune him out. It’s quite a skill because, even at his most genteel, Trump sounds like a herd of shaved emus drowning in a tub of Lestoil.
Even if you’re not a sportsball fan, you’ve probably heard of Bo Jackson. An elite two-sport star for the NFL’s Los Angeles Raiders and MLB’s Kansas City Royals, Chicago White Sox, and California Angels, he may have captured your heart during his memorable series of “Bo Knows …” Nike ads.
You defend one wannabe fascist dictator by saying his boundless lust for power means he should be able to do anything he wants, and all of a sudden progressives don’t like you anymore. It’s brutally unfair, and we shouldn’t stand for it. Every American has an inalienable right to be invited to exclusive dress-formal cotillions on Martha’s Vineyard, no matter how many absurd arguments they’ve trotted out on behalf of lawless autocrats.
Jenna Ellis is perhaps best known for conspicuously side-eyeing Rudy Giuliani as the last remnants of his eternal soul seeped from his sphincter into the blessed ether, leaving the dusty husk of Twiddle-Knobs Nosferatu behind to imperil Western democracy. She’s almost as well known for being part of the Trump legal effort that grievously embarrassed the ex-pr*sident—and the world’s most powerful democracy—with a series of feckless court challenges.
A new book about the astonishing pusillanimity of the Republican Party reveals that former House speaker and vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan “found himself sobbing” during the Jan. 6, 2021, assault on the Capitol. And that’s very sad for him—it really is. It’s also sad when dog owners leave their pooches in hot cars and kill them, which is kind of what the GOP as a whole has done with our country since Donald Trump slimed onto the scene in 2015.
A month from now, if all goes as planned, I’ll be in Northeast Wisconsin celebrating my niece’s wedding. And by “celebrating” I mean refusing to do the Chicken Dance, patiently explaining to the caterer that “vegan” does not simply mean “less Velveeta,” and trying to keep pace with a horde of professional drinkers (aka Wisconsinites) who were gradually weaned off Jägermeister as babies before being moved onto solid food.
Sacha Baron Cohen is a brilliant prankster and comedian, but perhaps his greatest talent is making Republicans look foolish. Or, rather, more foolish. If there’s an antediluvian sentiment or three sloshing about in a MAGA mite’s rancid paella of a brain, Baron Cohen will most likely dislodge it. And the results will be both uniquely hilarious and cringeworthy (aka, “unhingeworthy”).
The United States had more mass shootings over the holiday weekend—11, to be exact—making us the Joey Chestnut of mayhem, in that no one can even hope to challenge us. Republicans insist the reason we have so many more gun killings than any other country can’t possibly be the guns—because too many Fox News viewers enjoy doing white-knuckle drive-by hits on mule deer from their Rascal scooters.
The redoubtable, indefatigable, and gnarly rad Russian media monitor Julia Davis is back with another dispatch from the land of make-believe—otherwise known as Russian state TV. It’s a transcendently weird place where Vladimir Putin is doggedly de-Nazifying his Jewish-led neighbor and NATO somehow has reason to fear a Russian attack—even though Russia hasn’t been able to defeat its much-smaller non-NATO neighbor in four-plus months.
It’s no wonder Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell won’t release a Republican policy platform for the midterms. Everything they do is awful. Their platform might as well say, “Eat shit, America. You’re stuck with us now.”
After Cronenberg-ing our country to the point where 10-year-old rape victims are now forced to travel out of state to end their pregnancies, conservatives are putting the screws to LGBTQ kids in new and creative ways.
Why is it that, with a few notable exceptions, prominent Republicans almost always wait until they’re on their way out the door to slag off Donald Trump? They’re like B-movie ninjas who attack an enemy one at a time.
Donald Trump is like an old Chucky doll you threw in a dumpster years ago while packing for a move across the country—and then one day, out of nowhere, he shows up in the seat behind you during your morning bus commute.