Today's Liberal News

Aldous J Pennyfarthing

Florida suspends county health officer for daring to encourage vaccination among his employees

Republicans are really on a roll, aren’t they? First, they support Donald Trump, then Vladimir Putin—and now they’re using the copious political capital they’ve built up with the pig-ignorant half of America to go all-in for COVID-19. I shudder to think what’s next. Maybe they can repeal car-seat laws so toddlers are free to catapult into chemical freight trucks, as God and the Founders intended.

Louisiana Senate candidate points out hypocrisy of marijuana laws in very blunt campaign launch

We’ve come a long way from the days of Bill “I Didn’t Inhale” Clinton and our overwrought collective freakout over ordinary and decidedly normal cannabis use. Not that long ago, video of a U.S. Senate candidate smoking weed in a field would be considered lurid oppo research. But now, at least one candidate, Gary Chambers, is featuring it in his campaign advertising. 

Now, I doubt Chambers will win.

Wisconsin lawmaker says mitigating COVID-19 is impossible—for the most ridiculous reason yet

You know, I’m starting to agree with the MAGA crowd about masks. I don’t really need one, because I’ve been face-palming pretty much nonstop since 2017. That’s gotta filter out most coronavirus, right? As for the vaccine—I got all my shots. But, sadly, there’s no immunity—artificial or otherwise—against the goofball gormlessness of the Republican Party.

Another Republican tap dances when asked if he’d support a second Trump term

Reporters really need to ask Republican lawmakers about Donald Trump’s political future every time they interview these weasels. This should be in addition to asking them who won the election. Not only is it important to the long-term viability of our representative democracy, it’s also effing hilarious.

These are simple questions: Do you think Joe Biden was elected legitimately? Some Republican legislators—including South Dakota Sen.

Trump has been laughing at Jan. 6 victims’ trauma, according to sources

To say Donald Trump is a cartoon villain ascribes far too much humanity and gravitas to this oleaginous heap of gently used circus peanuts. Most people can fully size him up after hearing him purple-nurple the Queen’s English with his gauche, ungrammatical boasts for a just a few minutes, but many Americans remain in thrall to his, shall we say, “unique” charms.

Latest anti-vaxxer nonsense blames Betty White’s death and NFL player’s injury on COVID-19 booster

Ever since the COVID-19 vaccines were rolled out, disingenuous pundits have been using the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS), which is hosted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), to “prove” that the vaccines are deadly. But in reality, VAERS is just a collection of raw reports from people who’ve been vaccinated.

A death reported on VAERS could be caused by just about anything, and is proof of exactly nothing.

NBC and ABC both tackled the Trump threat in their Sunday morning shows. They need to keep it up

With the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump’s attempted coup fast approaching, NBC’s and ABC’s Sunday morning news shows both devoted significant time to the Big Lie, Donald Trump’s ongoing efforts to subvert Western democracy, and the Republican Party’s shameful support of his dangerous, anti-democratic delusions.

In fact, NBC’s Meet the Press devoted its entire broadcast to Trump’s continuing threat to our republic.

BBC News admits error after tapping Epstein pal Alan Dershowitz to analyze Ghislaine Maxwell verdict

When Fox News demonstrates more journalistic scruples than the BBC, you know we’re in trouble. 

Famed constitutional scholar Alan Dershowitz, who thinks the Constitution gives Donald Trump the power to do anything he wants so long as he’s earnestly attempting to steal elections, appeared on BBC News Wednesday after Ghislaine Maxwell was found guilty on five counts of sex trafficking.

Anti-vaxxers take over a Burger King, and yes, it’s even more ridiculous than it sounds

What could be possibly more American than a group of cranky a-holes fighting for their God-given right to spread deadly diseases at fast-food restaurants? That’s peak 2021, folks; MAGA mites always save the best for last.

As much as I’d like to dump most Burger King food into Boston Harbor (still a far better choice, I’d argue, than eating it), I don’t think this protest will have the historic impact these anti-vaxxers hope it will.

Right-wing radio clown who promised to quit over employer’s vax mandate is still on the job

Yeah, Donald Trump also said we’d never see him again if he lost to Joe Biden. We all know how that turned out. After all, Trump is never really gone—as long we remember him. We see his eternal light and essence in every irregular, half-priced Grocery Outlet yam. Every time a bully farts on a weaker kid’s head, he is there—in spirit—gently guiding the bully’s sphincter.

Leading anti-vaxxer vows to make citizen’s arrest of Louisiana governor for inoculating kids

For the past two years—and especially since we all got access to the lifesaving COVID-19 vaccines—I’ve felt like Luke Wilson’s character in Idiocracy trying to explain to relatives and acquaintances why they should irrigate their plants with water instead of sports drinks. It’s hard to get through to them, though—without an actual cranial saw, that is.

I can only imagine how Dr. Anthony Fauci feels.

Ted Cruz still appears to think he’ll be president one day

Oh, hey, Ted Cruz still wants to be president! Of course he does. The “breaking” part of this news is that he still seems to think it’s possible. Though, to be fair, Ted did snag a lot of primary votes in 2016—and that was before the beard. Imagine the mojo he’s got workin’ now!

Of course, Ted is universally loathed among warm-blooded vertebrates, so he’s forced to run as a Republican.

Rep. Madison Cawthorn says he doesn’t want a civil war—but if we have one, conservatives will win

I’m having a real hard time understanding how a civil war between liberals and conservatives would actually play out in this country. Would we have to wear uniforms to mark ourselves as part of the vast progressive horde, or would the conspicuous lack of misspelled MAGA neck tattoos be sufficient?

Our nation is terribly divided these days, but I don’t really fear a second civil war for the mere fact that it would be far too confusing.

Eric Trump says God made Daddy president in 2016, took a break in 2020, and will help again in 2024

I have a deep, visceral mistrust for anyone who says God is on their side. When has Providence ever sorted winners and losers like this? Didn’t we learn better from the bloody Crusades? Or centuries of ruinous sectarian violence? Or Tim Tebow’s NFL career?

Of course, these days we’re meant to believe that God is on the side of the vast majority of the people unnecessarily dying of COVID-19—because that’s what they keep claiming.

After his latest pro-Putin rant, it’s fair to ask whether Tucker Carlson is an actual Russian asset

Is Tucker Carlson literally on Vladimir Putin’s payroll? He has to be, right? As the free world attempts to stand up to this ex-KGB thug who brazenly attacked our country and poisons political adversaries nearly as often as Tucky-son poisons minds, Fox’s resident trust fund bloviator is giving literal aid and comfort to the enemy.

You might say this foppish fish stick fuckwit is a modern-day Tokyo Rose—only slightly more transparent.

Trump may self-publish memoir to prevent ‘humiliation’ of getting smaller advance than Obama

After normal presidents stop presidenting, they’re typically deluged with offers from major publishing houses for the right to release their memoirs. But judging from the blowback The Wall Street Journal received after publishing Donald Trump’s recent lie-festooned letter to the editor, no one who groks that Trump’s bloviating bottom is not actually a flowing fount of wisdom seems eager to let him topple inkwells anywhere near their shops.

Michigan anti-vaxxer, election canvasser, and Big Lie proponent is dead from COVID-19

Here come the Oompa Loompas to roll another purpling anti-vaxxer carcass down to the boneyard. By now, the Oompa Loompas are tired of singing their cautionary tunes—they obviously aren’t helping. So they’re just sallow-faced, hollow-eyed funeral home gofers now. Sad!

Okay, so this isn’t your run-of-the-mill, daisy-pushing anti-vaxxer. This guy was a real piece of work. (More on that in a bit.

Capitol rioter enters Texas GOP primary, because this is what Republicans are now

I was warned ages ago that violence is not a solution to any problem, and that if I wanted Carrot Top to stop doing prop comedy I should just bide my time. Did it work? I’m scared to look. Can someone at least let me know if Jeff Dunham is still at large?

But Republicans these days seem to have missed the memo. In their bath salts hallucination of a universe, political violence is tres chic.

Trump’s latest toxic grudge is even dumber than usual

The most egregious story I’ve ever heard about Donald Trump—and, granted, there’s an embarrassment of riches to choose from—is the one about his stripping health coverage away from his gravely ill infant nephew … out of spite.

This story was fairly widely reported before the 2016 election, which seriously makes me wonder what people imagined about Hillary Clinton that could have possibly been worse than that.

Why is Joe Biden smiling? History is on his side

Presidents are kind of like NFL quarterbacks: They get too much credit when their team wins and too much blame when they lose. Rightly or wrongly, U.S. presidents tend to be the face of whatever’s happening in the country over a given snapshot of time.

It was a rough summer for Joe Biden, and his problems have persisted well into the fall.

Uh-oh. The RNC chair just admitted ‘Joe Biden won the election’

This won’t go over well with … uh … certain people. Donald Trump’s decades-long campaign to pretend he’s a winner who always wins—despite his conspicuous inability to make money running a casino, selling liquor, or sponsoring a fraudulent university—hit a bit of a snag last November when he lost the presidency to Joe Biden.

Eric Swalwell teaches Lauren Boebert that people who live in MAGA houses shouldn’t throw stones

Lauren Boebert’s natural milieu is a dive bar, so it’s kind of hard to decipher her dreck without at least 12 shots of Jägermeister and a Busch Light or three prepping my brain for her authentic frontier gibberish.

Sadly, these days I drink only occasionally—in non-Wisconsin volumes—and so the Rosetta Stone I need to decode this cacophony of crackpottery eludes me.

Liz Cheney on Ted Cruz’s pro-Trump mewling: ‘A real man would be defending his wife’

Standard disclaimer: Like most Republicans, Liz Cheney is simply awful. But also like most Republicans, she’s not nearly as awful as Ted Cruz, whose (mostly) tongue-in-cheek association with the Zodiac Killer gives me the barest whiff of sympathy for the now-brutally defamed Zodiac Killer.

More importantly, Cheney has stood up to the potentially republic-ending nonsense of Donald Trump, who simply can’t own up to his decisive loss in the 2020 presidential election.