Joe Rogan has a monumentally popular podcast. And he used to host Fear Factor, a show in which people ate an increasingly baroque series of bugs until they’d proven they could eat insects with an alacrity and fervor unsurpassed by all the other insect-eaters in the multiverse. And he’s a stand-up comedian or something.
Donald Trump said some stupid shit about the Oscars today, because he’s gone from being the worst pr*sident in U.S. history to writing the worst blog on the internet. (I can’t even find an archive of his “statements.” That’s how far off the grid he is these days.)
You may have noticed you can now go as long as a few hours without his clammy tumescent melon head interrupting your sublime, weed-infused reveries.
I’ll make this quick because the video speaks for itself.
For four years we sat by, mouths immutably agape, as Donald Trump tossed paper towels at hurricane victims and made the COVID pandemic all about himself. But with the return of competence to the White House, we also saw a renewal of compassion. So far at least, that’s been seen most prominently in the words and actions of Joe Biden, our consoler-in-chief.
I grew up in Wisconsin, so I happen to know there are thousands of Ron Johnsons haunting various backwater dairyland redoubts, oafishly sounding out exotic menu items like “jalapeño poppers” at supper clubs, ordering one brandy Old-Fashioned after another, and dribbling chunky rivulets of tartar sauce down their chins onto musty, antediluvian wool suits as they race against each other to see who can fully transform into giant ambulant pee stains before the&nb
Ted Cruz has been accused of a lot of things: being the Zodiac Killer; being from Canada; being a churlish Sea Monkey that grew out of control in a secret Area 51 lab before escaping into the forest with a family-size bag of Bugles and a sixer of Zima; being the son of a key JFK assassination conspiracist; spending the past four years hiding in Donald Trump’s Underoos like a colicky baby wallaby; having the personality of a clammy loaf of reduced-salt Wonder Bre
I can’t stop watching the MyPillow Guy, Mike Lindell, and his “Frank-a-thon” to launch his stupid new Arby’s dumpster of a website. The guy has been jabbering for the better part of two days. This morning, I tuned in to see him interviewing someone, but I never got the dude’s name because Lindell wouldn’t let him get a word in. Lindell won’t stop talking.
The problem with having Christmas every day, as the folks behind these weird Christmas-themed attractions surely know by now, is that when Dec. 25 actually comes around, Christmas doesn’t seem that special.
That’s a bit how I feel on 4/20. What am I gonna do? Get higher? I’m not sure that’s possible. Outside of putting myself on a hash oil IV drip, I don’t know how I could cram any more THC into my body.
During last year’s second presidential debate, Donald Trump made certain to note how horribly things were going on his watch:
“We have to open our country,” the big, dumb adobe mud hut brayed. “We’re not going to have a country. You can’t do this, we can’t keep this country closed. It is a massive country with a massive economy. People are losing their jobs, they’re committing suicide.
The Trump administration—the malignant milieu of racism, bad ideas, and bad, racist ideas—had, for the past two-plus years, limited the use of consent decrees in holding police departments accountable for abusive (read: racist) behavior. Now, Attorney General Merrick Garland is reversing that Trump-era policy.
Ivanka Trump has spent the past five years trying to position herself in the public’s mind as the “reasonable” Trump. Granted, that’s a pretty low bar. All she really needed to do is show up as “warm-blooded” on infrared surveillance cameras, and she was basically there. Another useful tactic? Avoid appearing on video every 10 minutes, like the unofficial spokesperson for pure Colombian cocaine.
Wait, I’m confused. I thought we lived in a free-market democracy in which corporations are “people” with sacrosanct “opinions” (which, for some reason, usually come in the form of gobs and gobs of campaign cash).
So when corporations literally write their own legislation, it’s A-OK. That’s just what the Founding Fathers envisioned as they grew hemp and curated their expansive STD collections.
There are a lot of people I’d like to keep home on Election Day—about 74 million, by last count. But they have every right to tick a sad little box for a bloviating mound of venal earwax, no matter what I think about it.
I’ve also known my share of ignorant college students.
This may be the Trumpiest story in the history of Trumps. Greed. Dishonesty. Penny-pinching penury. And, of course, McDonald’s. In other words, the four pillars of Trumpism.
One of Donald Trump’s former bodyguards is (finally) speaking out about a 2008 McDonald’s order that he paid for on behalf of Trump, and for which Trump has yet to pay him back.
This is weird for a lot of reasons. First of all, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s superhero, Pervert Hoover, thinks exercise is bad for you. (Assuming it’s not golf, of course.)
Secondly, if exercise reliably prevented COVID-19, all those people getting in sweaty knife fights over toilet paper last March would have had zero to worry about, because knife-fighting is a great cardio workout. Or so they tell me.
Finally, why are we firing Dr.
All across red America, Republicans are promoting COVID-19, trashing democracy, and lying with the same feral abandon that the Abominable Showman himself demonstrated lo these many years.
And because Donald Trump declared by feckless fiat that he actually won the 2020 election in a landslide, Georgia decided they’d like to make it a lot easier for the next right-wing proto-tyrant to steal future elections.
Top Trump trade adviser Peter Navarro didn’t come out of nowhere. The administration found him where most high-level government aides are found … i.e., the same place I found the anti-fungal treatment for my big toenail—Amazon.
You may or may not know that Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner found Navarro while browsing Amazon after Trump asked him to do research on China. Well, now you do.
The New York Court of Appeals ruled on Tuesday that former The Apprentice contestant Summer Zervos can proceed with her defamation lawsuit against our pustulant ex-POTUS.
California Rep. Devin Nunes is famously suing the Twitter parody account @DevinNunesMom, but in real life, his mom does his fundraising committees’ FEC reports.
It’s not that weird, of course. I mean, I don’t get it personally, but that could be because my mom’s voted for every GOP presidential candidate since Eisenhower and still somehow thinks Donald Trump is human. No, the weird part is that Nunes’ mom appears to be really bad at her job.
Assuming Jason Miller is a real person and not a failed Soviet-era experiment to cross the human genome with the formula for Axe Body Spray, he appears to be in some trouble.
According to The Guardian, the former former-guy spox, who impregnated another Trump campaign adviser while engaging in an extramarital affair in 2016, lied about his employment status in order to reduce his child support payments.
Forgive my fit of pique. Another salvo in the Dr. Seuss Wars comes just as I’d finished training my Seuss-sniffing German shepherds to find, identify, and eliminate all 12 extant copies of McElligot’s Pool. Meanwhile, my stormtroopers are conducting a thorough sweep of Little Free Libraries across the nation.
Forgive my fit of pique. Another salvo in the Dr. Seuss Wars comes just as I’d finished training my Seuss-sniffing German shepherds to find, identify, and eliminate all 12 extant copies of McElligot’s Pool. Meanwhile, my stormtroopers are conducting a thorough sweep of Little Free Libraries across the nation.
Before we get started, remember that Southern slave owners used the Bible to defend slavery for generations. Also, NASCAR races are often held on Sundays. And Cracker Barrels are packed stem to stern on the Lord’s holy day. And the Creation Museum? Yup, open on Sundays.
But Black people voting? That’s where God draws the line.
I give you Mississippi Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith:
Sen.
Before we get started, remember that Southern slave owners used the Bible to defend slavery for generations. Also, NASCAR races are often held on Sundays. And Cracker Barrels are packed stem to stern on the Lord’s holy day. And the Creation Museum? Yup, open on Sundays.
But Black people voting? That’s where God draws the line.
I give you Mississippi Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith:
Sen.
Most of us don’t think Bill Gates has uploaded Windows Vista into the COVID-19 vaccine, and we won’t give credence to inanities burped out by semi-ambulatory heaps of knob cheese who listen to demon sperm doctors instead of world-renowned infectious disease experts. Why? Because we’re astute consumers of media.
But Republicans, by and large, are not.
On Tuesday, Illinois Sen. Tammy Duckworth backed down from a threat to delay approving Joe Biden’s Cabinet nominees because of a lack of high-level Asian American representation among the president’s brain trust. She made the announcement after receiving assurances from the Biden administration that it would strive for greater AAPI representation in government.
Believe me, if it were possible to fatally overdose on marijuana, I’d be a heapin’ midden of THC-infused mulch right now. But it’s just not. In fact, the number of recorded cases of fatal cannabis overdose in the history of cannabis and overdoses is—oh, would you look at that?—still zero.
I’m not saying it isn’t possible to get a bit too high from time to time. It definitely is.
Ying Ma is a conservative Chinese American who’s been appearing on Fox lately to hype her theory that liberals only became interested in anti-Asian violence when they could use it to smear Donald Trump—who, frankly, doesn’t really need anyone to smear him as it’s already impossible to suss out where the slime ends and the human genome begins.
Do these people think they’re going to turn to stone if they tell the plain truth about the 2020 election? Republicans these days act as if the Eye of Sauron is always looking, looking, looking, and if they dare mention Donald Trump’s name in vain, the Mar-a-Lago Nazgul will be dispatched to pelt them with half-empty Diet Coke cans and partially masticated McRibs.
If you’re like me, you were continually frustrated by Donald Trump’s baffling ability to avoid real consequences for his serial perfidy over the past four (erm, 74) years, and you responded to this outrage by curling up into the fetal position, crawling into a giant bag of Kirkland Signature Rice Crackers, and treating it like some sort of artificial space placenta. If you’re not like me, you still probably hated all that unpunished lawbreaking.
Is it sinking in for Republicans yet just how much they’ve fucked up? In the eyes of millions of Americans, they’re now the party of COVID-19, election theft, voter suppression, sedition, and smaller checks for fewer people.