Today's Liberal News

Aldous J Pennyfarthing

Devin Nunes’ mom does his FEC reports, and she appears to be really bad at it

California Rep. Devin Nunes is famously suing the Twitter parody account @DevinNunesMom, but in real life, his mom does his fundraising committees’ FEC reports.

It’s not that weird, of course. I mean, I don’t get it personally, but that could be because my mom’s voted for every GOP presidential candidate since Eisenhower and still somehow thinks Donald Trump is human. No, the weird part is that Nunes’ mom appears to be really bad at her job.

Ex-former guy spokesman allegedly lied about employment status to reduce child support payments

Assuming Jason Miller is a real person and not a failed Soviet-era experiment to cross the human genome with the formula for Axe Body Spray, he appears to be in some trouble.

According to The Guardian, the former former-guy spox, who impregnated another Trump campaign adviser while engaging in an extramarital affair in 2016, lied about his employment status in order to reduce his child support payments.

GOP senator says people shouldn’t vote on Sundays because ‘in God we trust’ is printed on money

Before we get started, remember that Southern slave owners used the Bible to defend slavery for generations. Also, NASCAR races are often held on Sundays. And Cracker Barrels are packed stem to stern on the Lord’s holy day. And the Creation Museum? Yup, open on Sundays. 

But Black people voting? That’s where God draws the line.

I give you Mississippi Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith:

Sen.

GOP senator says people shouldn’t vote on Sundays because ‘in God we trust’ is printed on money

Before we get started, remember that Southern slave owners used the Bible to defend slavery for generations. Also, NASCAR races are often held on Sundays. And Cracker Barrels are packed stem to stern on the Lord’s holy day. And the Creation Museum? Yup, open on Sundays. 

But Black people voting? That’s where God draws the line.

I give you Mississippi Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith:

Sen.

In House hearing on extremism, Republican reveals he’s been duped by military version of ‘The Onion’

Most of us don’t think Bill Gates has uploaded Windows Vista into the COVID-19 vaccine, and we won’t give credence to inanities burped out by semi-ambulatory heaps of knob cheese who listen to demon sperm doctors instead of world-renowned infectious disease experts. Why? Because we’re astute consumers of media.

But Republicans, by and large, are not.

Nebraska’s GOP governor: ‘If you legalize marijuana, you’re gonna kill your kids’

Believe me, if it were possible to fatally overdose on marijuana, I’d be a heapin’ midden of THC-infused mulch right now. But it’s just not. In fact, the number of recorded cases of fatal cannabis overdose in the history of cannabis and overdoses is—oh, would you look at that?—still zero. 

I’m not saying it isn’t possible to get a bit too high from time to time. It definitely is.

‘A proctological exam of the highest order’: Trump investigations really may be different this time

If you’re like me, you were continually frustrated by Donald Trump’s baffling ability to avoid real consequences for his serial perfidy over the past four (erm, 74) years, and you responded to this outrage by curling up into the fetal position, crawling into a giant bag of Kirkland Signature Rice Crackers, and treating it like some sort of artificial space placenta. If you’re not like me, you still probably hated all that unpunished lawbreaking.

MyPillow Guy launching site to compete with YouTube and Twitter, because sure; why not?

You have to hand it to MyPillow Guy Mike Lindell. When life hands him lemons, he eats them so fast they become deadly choking hazards. His latest nonsense? He’s launching a new social media platform to compete with YouTube and Twitter, which for some reason no longer allow videos and tweets that could lead to the attempted violent overthrow of the U.S. government.

Lindell is already being sued by Dominion Voting Systems for $1.

Every living ex-president except Trump appears in pro-vaccine PSA

In a new PSA featuring every (adult) former president, the COVID-19 vaccine takes center stage. The message: Don’t be a dick. Get the vaccine. Or at least that was my takeaway.

Only one ex-president did not participate, indicating (again) that Donald Trump needs more than just a psychiatrist. He needs someone to take his brain apart like an old transistor radio and cobble it back together with Tinker Toys, airplane glue, and gum. Because that shit’s broken, yo.

Every living ex-president except Trump appears in pro-vaccine PSA

In a new PSA featuring every (adult) former president, the COVID-19 vaccine takes center stage. The message: Don’t be a dick. Get the vaccine. Or at least that was my takeaway.

Only one ex-president did not participate, indicating (again) that Donald Trump needs more than just a psychiatrist. He needs someone to take his brain apart like an old transistor radio and cobble it back together with Tinker Toys, airplane glue, and gum. Because that shit’s broken, yo.

‘If masks and social distancing don’t work, then what the hell happened to the flu?’

Though my spot on the introversion spectrum lies somewhere between Kleenex box-wearing Howard Hughes and urine-collecting Howard Hughes (and as I continue to age, I’m on a bullet train to raw-fish-eating Gollum), I still usually get sick in the winter at least once.

In the past, while grocery shopping or taking in a matinee movie, I’d occasionally run into someone I know.

E. Jean Carroll is ready for her day in court with Donald Trump: ‘I think of it every day’

Donald Trump’s lawyers argued for years that he couldn’t be sued because he was kinda-sorta president or something. Apparently you don’t actually have to do the job to retain the title. It’s like if you were the curly fry guy at Arby’s and all you did all day was eat the customers’ orders. You’re technically still the fry guy, but all you’re really doing is getting in the way of other people’s lunch.

The MyPillow Guy is ‘definitely’ just the beginning: Dominion CEO promises more lawsuits

The CEO of Dominion Voting Systems—which is either a nondescript electronic voting company or a Borg-like collection of sentient machines powered by Hugo Chavez’s ghost, depending on whom you ask—is clearly done playing games. But what he’s not done doing is suing the pants off his company’s detractors. (Not literally, of course. I mean, the company sued Rudy Giuliani, and the one thing you want to leave that guy with is pants.

Lauren Boebert, Second Amendment warrior, really hates constitutional ‘rewrites’

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert needs more attention.

First, Marjorie Taylor Greene stole her thunder by trotting out the Jewish space lasers while Boebert was still plunging her hands into the soft, wet clay of garden-variety QAnon conspiracies.

Then Ted Cruz decided to overshadow them both with the single worst travel decision since the Donner Party turned down their complimentary peanuts and Biscoff cookies to save room for the hot meal that was coming later.

‘Why is the president going to Delaware?’ Oh, noes! They have Biden cornered now!

I get it. The media have a job to do. And for the first time in four years, the government doesn’t have a cabinet-level Department of Gaslighting.

But this is a question this reporter already knows the answer to, right? 

Right?

I believe this is AP White House correspondent Zeke Miller, but he’s wearing a mask, so I don’t know for sure. For all I know this is what Carrot Top looks like when he’s not on stage.

Mitch McConnell thinks expiring COVID-19 benefits are super funny

Yertle the Goddamn Fucking Disgrace (apologies to Dr. Seuss) doesn’t seem to think helping out unemployed workers and others screwed sideways by the coronavirus pandemic—and Donald Trump’s feckless, floundering response to it—is an urgent matter. At least not as urgent as, say, forcing barmy right-wing justices on us, our children, and/or our still-frozen embryo clones.