Aldous J Pennyfarthing

Years ago, before our nation devolved into a fascist Cracker Barrel that lets Texas Sen. Ted Cruz loiter in the bathrooms for unnervingly long periods of time, Fox News and Donald Trump jumped into bed together. They eventually birthed a creepy vestigial twin with no host, and it instantly latched onto our body politic like a Peruvian spider monkey mistaking Rep. Louie Gohmert’s head for a remaindered Sara Lee pound cake.

To this day, it remains utterly gobsmacking that Donald Trump got even one vote for president of the United States, much less tens of millions. He had no relevant experience in politics or, from the looks of it, business. And as humans go, he was a pretty below-average tapeworm.

And yet, somehow, the wheel of cosmically unlikely events slid right past “Zombie Gandhi gnaws your nips off” and landed squarely on “Donald Trump is president.

Voters didn’t pay all that much attention when Donald Trump’s Hitler goof rallies plumbed ever-lower depths of hate and bigotry—or when it was reported that he literally kept a book of Hitler speeches in his bedside cabinet, for that matter.

Maybe, after all is said and done, promoting an irritable bowel with a Sriracha beer bong attachment as your party’s standard-bearer isn’t such a great idea after all. For years, Donald Trump was to Fox News what Jared was to Subway: the face of the franchise. The only difference is, Fox knew all along what an odious lump of id Trump was but decided to make him their mascot anyway.

That may all be changing.

If there’s any advantage to being married to Donald Trump, it would have to be developing the ability to at least occasionally tune him out. It’s quite a skill because, even at his most genteel, Trump sounds like a herd of shaved emus drowning in a tub of Lestoil.

Even if you’re not a sportsball fan, you’ve probably heard of Bo Jackson. An elite two-sport star for the NFL’s Los Angeles Raiders and MLB’s Kansas City Royals, Chicago White Sox, and California Angels, he may have captured your heart during his memorable series of “Bo Knows …” Nike ads.

You defend one wannabe fascist dictator by saying his boundless lust for power means he should be able to do anything he wants, and all of a sudden progressives don’t like you anymore. It’s brutally unfair, and we shouldn’t stand for it. Every American has an inalienable right to be invited to exclusive dress-formal cotillions on Martha’s Vineyard, no matter how many absurd arguments they’ve trotted out on behalf of lawless autocrats.

Jenna Ellis is perhaps best known for conspicuously side-eyeing Rudy Giuliani as the last remnants of his eternal soul seeped from his sphincter into the blessed ether, leaving the dusty husk of Twiddle-Knobs Nosferatu behind to imperil Western democracy. She’s almost as well known for being part of the Trump legal effort that grievously embarrassed the ex-pr*sident—and the world’s most powerful democracy—with a series of feckless court challenges.

A new book about the astonishing pusillanimity of the Republican Party reveals that former House speaker and vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan “found himself sobbing” during the Jan. 6, 2021, assault on the Capitol. And that’s very sad for him—it really is. It’s also sad when dog owners leave their pooches in hot cars and kill them, which is kind of what the GOP as a whole has done with our country since Donald Trump slimed onto the scene in 2015.

A month from now, if all goes as planned, I’ll be in Northeast Wisconsin celebrating my niece’s wedding. And by “celebrating” I mean refusing to do the Chicken Dance, patiently explaining to the caterer that “vegan” does not simply mean “less Velveeta,” and trying to keep pace with a horde of professional drinkers (aka Wisconsinites) who were gradually weaned off Jägermeister as babies before being moved onto solid food.

Sacha Baron Cohen is a brilliant prankster and comedian, but perhaps his greatest talent is making Republicans look foolish. Or, rather, more foolish. If there’s an antediluvian sentiment or three sloshing about in a MAGA mite’s rancid paella of a brain, Baron Cohen will most likely dislodge it. And the results will be both uniquely hilarious and cringeworthy (aka, “unhingeworthy”).

The United States had more mass shootings over the holiday weekend—11, to be exact—making us the Joey Chestnut of mayhem, in that no one can even hope to challenge us. Republicans insist the reason we have so many more gun killings than any other country can’t possibly be the guns—because too many Fox News viewers enjoy doing white-knuckle drive-by hits on mule deer from their Rascal scooters.

The redoubtable, indefatigable, and gnarly rad Russian media monitor Julia Davis is back with another dispatch from the land of make-believe—otherwise known as Russian state TV. It’s a transcendently weird place where Vladimir Putin is doggedly de-Nazifying his Jewish-led neighbor and NATO somehow has reason to fear a Russian attack—even though Russia hasn’t been able to defeat its much-smaller non-NATO neighbor in four-plus months.

It’s no wonder Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell won’t release a Republican policy platform for the midterms. Everything they do is awful. Their platform might as well say, “Eat shit, America. You’re stuck with us now.” 

After Cronenberg-ing our country to the point where 10-year-old rape victims are now forced to travel out of state to end their pregnancies, conservatives are putting the screws to LGBTQ kids in new and creative ways.

Why is it that, with a few notable exceptions, prominent Republicans almost always wait until they’re on their way out the door to slag off Donald Trump? They’re like B-movie ninjas who attack an enemy one at a time.

Donald Trump is like an old Chucky doll you threw in a dumpster years ago while packing for a move across the country—and then one day, out of nowhere, he shows up in the seat behind you during your morning bus commute.

Well, that was some testimony, huh? Where does Trump go from here, other than further down the road to ignominy? Or maybe he can hop a ride to Antarctica on Hitler’s submarine. I really don’t care, so long as there’s enough Enviromental Protection Agency superfund money left to hoover his Arby’s meat sweats and loser stink lines out of our nation’s delicate moral fabric.

But never mind me.

The standard operating procedure for Republicans seeking statewide office is to move as far to the MAGA right as possible during the primaries and then moderate as much as they plausibly can for the general. It’s what Dr. Oz is doing in Pennsylvania, and it’s presumably what any Republican will do during the upcoming campaign for U.S. Senate in Missouri.

Donald Trump’s final day as a political force will come eventually—with the heat death of the universe, if nothing else. Right now, Fulton County, Georgia, District Attorney Fani Willis is racing against the House Jan.

As with all writing, the secret to crafting an effective standup routine is to write what you know. Sadly, Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert doesn’t know much about anything, so she’s forced to hope that asking the infinitely compassionate, eternally beneficent God of the universe to kill the president is somehow funny.

The Jan. 6 hearings have given us a treasure trove of new revelations, and even those of us who’ve closely followed Donald Trump’s increasingly flailing attempts to pound a big, square loser peg into a round non-jerk-face hole have learned some things.

You may not have heard of Right Side Broadcasting Network, and if that’s the case—congratulations! You live a rich, full life unadulterated by brain weevils. Obviously, you’re not part of the network’s target demographic, which appears to consist almost entirely of Scott Baio getting shambolically drunk on Boone’s Farm.

But what the network lacks in gravitas it more than makes up for in goofy-ass displays of meretricious nonsense.

If you want to understand Donald Trump’s mindset in the weeks leading up to Jan. 6, it’s crucial to get a clear picture of the information ecosystem he was part of at the time. It’s not like the insurrection spontaneously erupted out of a singularity in the void. As much as it may have looked spontaneous, it wasn’t simply a case of “then one day Trump besmirched his Underoos and up from the ground come a bumblin’ coup.

In case you’re still waiting for your Right-wing Logic Decoder Ring from Ovaltine, you should know that the latest existential threat to the republic is—wait for it—drag queens!

It’s looking increasingly like Donald Trump illegally made off with a bunch of foreign gifts without notifying anyone. Why? Because he’s Donald Effing Trump, you naif.

It’s unlikely Trump wanted to be president just so he could steal stuff when he left, but he had to see that as a perk—and without question, it was inevitable. If he’d worked at Chuck E. Cheese, he would have stolen an animatronic banjo-playing bear.

Whenever we experience one of those mass shootings that, for some reason, only ever seem to happen in this country, the gun fetishists trot out the fact that large American municipalities with strict gun control laws often have high rates of gun fatalities.

Texas Gov.

On Tuesday’s Ingraham Angle, host Laura Ingraham trotted out one of the Fox News audience’s fave golden oldies: Reefer Madness, baby!

One can imagine your typical Fox News viewer watching the segment late into the night, leering in the direction of his sixth Busch Light with something approaching feral concupiscence. The bleary outline of blonde American banshee Laura Ingraham fires up his once-languorous rods and cones.

“Shut up.

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has a choice few other Americans ever face. He can either help make the country safer for everyone, or he can continue to make it safer for Ted Cruz. Gee, which option do you think he’ll choose? Honestly, if he picks the former, I’ll eat my “I Ate the Worm at the Congo Bar in Cancún While Texas Families Froze 2021” bucket hat.

The best way to picture the ReAwaken America Tour is as a sort of flat-Earth conference for political junkies. The second-best way is to get one of those Ronco inside-the-shell egg scramblers, attach it to your skull, adjust the setting to “Don Jr.,” and commence pureeing your brain until Mike Flynn, Roger Stone, and Mike Lindell appear in your mind’s eye, screaming bilious nonsense about the “stolen” 2020 election.

Crack reporter Mike Lindell has gotten to the bottom of yet another election conspiracy, folks, and it’s eerily similar to the old conspiracy! Georgia—which, not for nothing, recounted every single 2020 presidential paper ballot by hand—has apparently cheated Lindell’s messiah, Donald Trump, once again—this time by illegally handing some of his endorsees an embarrassing (to Trump, anyway) loss.