Looks like the Lone Star State is trying to whitewash its history … again.
We all know the state of Texas was founded when Ted Cruz, trying to avoid the pernicious impacts of global climate change on his living room, attempted to escape to Cancun through an Einstein-Rosen bridge.
Many snows ago (okay, just one snow), Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy was adamant that Donald Trump bore at least some responsibility for the Jan. 6 insurrection. Why would he say that? Because the Jan. 6 insurrection wouldn’t have happened without the ocher abomination’s ceaseless barrage of fatuous lies.
Andrew Giuliani, a scion of the Giuliani Goofball Dynasty, picked a great time to run for governor of New York. His only conceivable asset is name recognition. He has it, but so does syphilis.
Unfortunately, Giuliani Giunior’s chances leaked out of his father’s oleaginous dome like goopy brain-parasite effluent months ago. He’d be better off right now if his dad was Barry Zuckerkorn.
I envision a day—perhaps not that far in the future—when Donald Trump and his doofus-y name are radioactive, not just to the decent people of the world but to a wide swath of Republicans, too. Will that happen? I’m trying to be an optimist, so I say yes. Trump himself is doing his best to make that reality come to pass.
Of course, in the wake of Jan.
If Donald Trump were on a life raft in the middle of the ocean with Don Jr. and Ivanka, I have no doubt he’d start fricasséeing his firstborn before ever roasting his daughter—or a root vegetable, for that matter.
Ivanka may be the only other person on earth who even registers as human through his rheumy, Adderall-besotted eyes.
It’s not all that hard to influence Rep. Louie Gohmert. He’ll believe just about anything you tell him, so long as it’s outlandish, false, and simple enough for a 3-year-old child—or dog, or dining room table—to understand.
I’m guessing the number of Nigerian princes he’s helped out over the years approaches a baker’s dozen.
I don’t know about you, but I used to feel pretty on edge whenever Donald Trump left the country. As bad as it was having him here, seeing him take overseas trips felt a bit like that scene in The Silence of the Lambs where Lecter escapes from his cage and no one can find him.
Donald Trump doesn’t read. Donald Trump doesn’t write. Donald Trump is little more than an undifferentiated wad of protoplasm that converts trans fats into lies. So when I saw that he’d claimed he was working hard on a book, I had to laugh. This guy wouldn’t have the attention span to complete the maze on a Denny’s placemat, even if you let him draw his own exit with a Sharpie.
This isn’t me saying that.
World events and notorious characters can have a significant impact on baby-naming conventions over time. That’s why you didn’t have a lot of kids named Adolf, Pol Pot, or Smallpox Blisters in your high school homeroom. And it’s why “Jeffrey Toobin” will henceforth be regarded as a simple declarative sentence instead of a name—as in “Oh, my gerd, Jeffrey’s Toobin’ on a Zoom call again.
It’s sick. So, so sick. But that’s what Republicans are all about these days: inspecting children’s genitals. It’s pretty much all they talk about—when they’re not talking about Mr. Potato Head and his starchy, androgynous genitalia.
I’ll never understand why anyone listens to Donald Trump on any subject. He wanted to nuke hurricanes. He wanted to put alligator-filled moats along the southern border. He thinks windmills cause cancer, asbestos is swell, and exercise is bad for you. He seriously suggested pumping our bodies full of UV light and disinfectant.
Donald Trump has ruined a lot of lives. Usually that’s a tragedy. But sometimes it careens mighty close to comedy.
Needless to say, those who hitched their wagon to Donald Trump were staring at a billowy, cornucopian rectum for what must have seemed an eternity.
So now that we have a president who doesn’t pose an existential threat to NATO, respects climate change accords, takes worldwide pandemics seriously and won’t flatter dictators, threaten to nuke hurricanes, or otherwise make the world’s foremost democracy look like King Kong on a four-year Jägermeister-and-bath-salts bender, the rest of the world likes us better.
Go figure.
It’s probably a good thing that Matt Gaetz keeps getting chastened like this. I don’t want him to get a big(ger) head. I mean, how trashed does your reputation have to be to get turned down by Newsmax? It’s like getting turned away from a North Dakota cockfight over a dress code violation.
But, hey, Gaetz is a special kind of breed. (Sorry for using “Gaetz” and “breed” in the same sentence. I’m still growing and learning as a writer.
This isn’t exactly earth-shattering news. Earth-shattering news would be Donald Trump getting a good night’s sleep for the first time in 10 years, realizing he’s been acting like a drunk pelican with a Hot Pocket stuck in his throat for most of this century, conceding the election, apologizing profusely to Joe Biden, and telling Eric (but not Junior) that he loves him.
But while this might not be that kind of news, it’s news nonetheless.
Ever since Gov. Brian Kemp allowed Donald Trump to go down in a haze of gory following the latter’s embarrassing loss in the once reliably red state of Georgia, he’s been persona non grata among a large faction of MAGAs.
I never thought a fascist takeover of the galaxy could ever be less entertaining than the one depicted in The Phantom Menace, but here we are. One major American political party remains tethered to reality, whereas the other is a barmy cult of personality that worships at the clay feet of the worst human being I’ve ever laid eyes on outside of the port-a-potty queue at the annual Chilton, Wisconsin, Beer Festival—which is a long story, but trust me.
So there was another mass shooting in America Wednesday morning, and naturally Fox News and its guests need to find some reason (other than a proliferation of guns ‘n assholes) for the rise of gun violence in this country. Instead of stopping to ask why these events only seem to happen with any regularity in the United States, they have to invent weird theories—and they just invented one of the weirdest.
But first of all, the shooting.
Is there a word for being really shocked and alarmed—and yet not at all surprised—by a new piece of information? Maybe something from German with, like, 80 letters, seven umlauts, and a couple Klingon-worthy expectorations?
Virginia Foxx is a U.S. representative from North Carolina and not, as you might suspect from her name, a now-bitter original member of Emmet Otter’s Jug Band.
Honestly, I’d never heard of her before. Yes, I’m a politics nerd, but apparently she’s been hiding her light under a bushel basket all this time. Or maybe Matt Gaetz’s head was in the way.
Virginia Foxx is a U.S. representative from North Carolina and not, as you might suspect from her name, a now-bitter original member of Emmet Otter’s Jug Band.
Honestly, I’d never heard of her before. Yes, I’m a politics nerd, but apparently she’s been hiding her light under a bushel basket all this time. Or maybe Matt Gaetz’s head was in the way.
Pat yourself on the back if you sized Donald Trump up in two minutes, like a normal person. You could have instead been Ethan Nordean, who wasted years of his life and squandered his precious freedom for a guy who’d likely feed him to alligators—or a marginally more reptilian creature such as Roger Stone—if he ever showed up at one of his golf courses.
Now that we’ve entered the “none of that really happened” phase of Donald Trump’s Bumblefuck Putsch, I guess indelible images like—oh, I don’t know—a fucking insurrectionist waving his Traitor Pride flag in the halls of the U.S. Capitol can scurry on down the memory hole, with all the other outrages from Trump’s truncated tenure.
Sometimes making fun of Republicans is like shooting fish in a barrel. Actually, no. They’re not fish so much as some kind of animal that can’t swim … or crawl out of a barrel. It’s like watching a drunk, elderly orangutan drown in a barrel. Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I just add the color commentary.
Normally it’s a given that the party that wins the White House will lose congressional seats in subsequent midterm elections. In 2010, Democrats got clobbered after Barack Obama’s historic 2008 victory. And a blue wave took hold in 2018, almost certainly in response to Donald Trump’s 2016 creepy-twins, blood-elevator Overlook Hotel red wave.
Whenever I feel compelled to freak myself out about the GOP’s seemingly ineluctable march toward cult-of-personality authoritarianism, I have to remind myself that Republicans might not be Hitler boof stormtroopers so much as they’re just lemmings.
In case you didn’t already know that Ron DeSantis is an awful, Hardee’s grease trap of a human being, the following eye-opening revelations about the country’s foremost COVID-19 superspreader are bound to disabuse you of any notion that he’s got a soft spot—unless you’re talking about his wee cartilaginous skull.
So Rudy “Up From His Head Come a Bubblin’ Crude” Giuliani, who represented Donald Trump in his effort to overturn the 2020 election, is now learning where Trump’s loyalties really lie—i.e., with the Adderall fairies whispering in his ear 24/7 about the impudent hobgoblins trying steal his pouch of magic beans.
Donald Trump doesn’t pay his bills.
In a lengthy discussion on the brewing internecine war between Republicans, Jake Tapper stood firmly on the side of truth. Appearing on Tuesday’s edition of CNN’s New Day, Tapper noted that Republicans, for the most part, simply aren’t good-faith actors anymore.
Of course, while the truth is fairly easy to suss out these days, grasping even a gossamer strand of it seems like a Sisyphean challenge for Republicans.
For those who aren’t policy wonks—and who somehow can’t decide whether Joe Biden is a compassionate family man or a rapacious baby’s blood aficionado—it can be difficult to suss out the real benefits of Biden’s recent economic proposals. Luckily, new analysis from the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy (ITEP) spells out the pluses (for the vast majority of Americans) and the minor minuses (for the ultra-wealthy) pretty clearly.